Sure Ways to Turn Off your Readers
Don't respect your reader? Here are some perfect ways to annoy them
Many writers do silly things to frustrate their readers, and you certainly don't want to be left out! Check out this how-to guide for being a master nuisance author.
We’ve all played the part of the disappointed reader or movie-goer. The plot didn’t hold our attention, the dialogue was boring or hard to understand, or the writer’s vision was so poorly executed that it actually pained us to continue reading or watching. If you would love to inflict the same torture on your own readers, just follow these tips.
Spell things wrong
Start your story with a paragraph of misspelled words. Substitute ‘there’ for ‘their’ and type ‘you’ instead of ‘your.’
Ramble on and on
Use a whole page to have two characters exchange banal pleasantries. Additionally, change topics violently.
USE ALL CAPS AND LOTS OF THESE!!!!!!!!!!!!
A book is kind of like email, right? So we should all shout a lot and use exclamation points profusely to get our point across. This works especially well in query letters, because agents and editors love to see how excited we are.
Be boring and predictable
Don’t bother brushing up on your vocabulary. Getting colorful is overrated. Likewise, there are too many original ideas in the world. Readers like familiar plots, so keep your stories simple.
Be overly technical
On the other end of the spectrum, some readers just can’t wait to dig through the boxes in their garage for that huge, collegiate dictionary. Challenge their grey matter with lots of jargon.
Write run-on sentences
If your sentences are too short it will make you look like you are writing a children’s book so the best thing to do to make yourself look intelligent is to go through your story and remove as much punctuation as possible because in the end it will only get in the way and make you look lazy.
Leave them hanging
Mention the creepy thing that lurks in the darkness, but don’t tell them what it is. Explain that there are three important features to every great marketing plan, but don’t describe them in detail. Make the reader go somewhere else to get the info.
Don’t be overly confident
No one likes an egomaniac, so be sure to at least fake that you don’t know what you’re talking about. After all, who made you the expert? It’s just better to apologize for not being better and admit you’re a beginner who has never been published. Readers like writers who can admit their faults.
By following the tips above, you’re sure to have readers throwing your book on the floor in no time, and shouting will be heard all across the land. “That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back!” However, if you’d rather publish more than one book and earn a decent paycheck, common sense will tell you exactly what to do with the information above. Respect your readers; they are the future of your employment.
